Feeling Words

Sometimes we need to dial it back and focus on the language we use.


Here is a great list of feeling words from this source

Being in a relationship as a survivor

I've been in a relationship since February 2011 and I am still getting used to the many ways rape invades our relationship.

How do you cope with these unwanted intrusions on your romantic life?

I think the most important thing to remember is patience. Regardless of whether this is your first relationship or your thirtieth there will be issues of trust; in yourself, your partner and you both as a couple. A part of that patience is learning to forgive yourself for being affected by your past. If you are constantly chiding yourself for not being perfect, for not being the partner you feel your partner deserves, it is much more difficult to accept yourself.

Carefree beach frolic

The emotions we feel in the aftermath are natural feelings. It is okay to feel scared with your partner because you are emotionally remembering a terrifying time in your life. There are some days where my partner has to only touch my arm and I internally freak out. I used to hate myself for being so "damaged", but I wasn't damaged at all; just hurting.

Another thing to remember is that your partner has chosen to be with you. It isn't an obligation or a burden unto them that they cannot escape, they actually want to be with you. Take pause on that for a moment. Yes, someone wants to be with you because you are you. They didn't get with you to "fix" you or because they imagined a different you - they fell in love with you. That is difficult for us to accept as survivors but rape doesn't make us unlovable.

What is PTSD?

According to the NHS, 30% of people who witness a traumatic event will go on to develop PTSD. Anyone can experience PTSD and there is no set way to experience it.

This is the DSM IV criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was found on the DWP website

1. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present-:

The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others

The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror

Examples:  rape, robbery, hostage situation, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, road accidents, military combat

2. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways-:

Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, and perceptions

Recurrent distressing dreams of the event

Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring

Also known as a flashback
Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

Examples: Panic attacks, raised heart beat, sweating, involuntary body movement

3. Avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following-:
Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
Sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children or a normal life span)

4. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma) as indicated by two (or more) of the following-:
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hyper-vigilance
Exaggerated startle response

5. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in criteria 2, 3 and 4) is more than 1 month.

6. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

----

Dissociation: Dissociative imagination and out of body experiences

I often believe, the more I learn about myself, that I have been lucky to have a robust imagination within my defensive arsenal. The ability to imagine myself away and not have to fully submit to dissociation has probably saved me from being rather severely dissociative.

It's not a choice someone can make; dissociation and its extent just happens. It's only now in the midst of my trauma healing work and my first real and healthy relationship that I/we have been able to observe where my dissociation lies. I have actually been living under a cloud of dissociation and rose tinted glasses  for over 20 years.

Mostly I cope by going into myself. I shut off emotions and thoughts; it becomes very quiet and my breathing slows to just below a stop. My lips begin to tingle with the lack of oxygen and my heart rate rises. My head takes on a floppy feel even if its actually position remains the same. I feel clouded and separated. Sometimes that feeling of being pulled backwards is strong enough that I am actually unable to talk and move. Trapped in my mind.

During times of more extreme trauma I can now see how imagination played a huge part in my mental health. During one particularly bad rape, I separated from myself 3 times (mentally). It is hard to describe but I will try. Each time I guess I 'imagined' myself in different parts of the room..the further away I was the less I felt and experienced. I could see the rape happening but one part of my mind always stayed where my physical body was - so a new position, for example, and every version of myself would evaporate.

It is very much like visual programming techniques..if you concentrate hard enough you can be in place x, y or z but if you lose concentration, it all falls apart. Except, there is still a level dissociation and separation from the core emotional being.

So what is the difference between dissociative imagination and an out of body experience?

By purpose; not very much. Dissociative imagination is a somewhat conscious process. You could be thinking about how much you want to escape a situation. Maybe your entire being begs for it. At least the way I experience it. Sometimes I have wanted to run away from a situation and so my mind has imagined literally running away. What happens is there is still an awareness of the present but the mind has taken a route out. Sometimes these imagined escapes have been so vivid, I have been unable to tell which event happened - did I stay or did I run away? It's only a few seconds of doubt but the sensation of not being aware of ones actions is terrifying.

Another example of this "split" between reality and imagination is during intense conversations where my core needs are being sacrificed for someone else's. I continue a conversation with the person and say what I need to say for them but in my head I am having the conversation I need and want but know it will never be safe enough to do so.

An out of body experience is just as vivid and powerful but there is no split between the conscious reality and the imagination. The dissociation is the reality.

I usually experience this after extended periods of dissociation. When the dissociative imagination has failed and a part of me begins to use dissociation as a weapon against myself to trigger off the catatonic stage of my withdrawal... if this process is interrupted either because the stressor has finished or I am distracted, it seems my mind wants a break from the body.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not always recognisable as a floating above myself feeling. Most recently when I have felt it this happened:

I was very spacey and had spent quite some time in a regressive dissociation (i felt really young and I was looking at my current bedroom trying to smoke whilst thinking about how I didn't smoke and these aren't my toys). I started to look in the direction of my chest of drawers and then it suddenly looked like I was growing and the teddies and books were moving.

It was actually kind of weird because the teddies et al were growing and wobbling a little but the drawers had changed perspective, like I was above them...after looking rather imposing and big.

Maybe the out of body was me bouncing back after the regression. Regression makes everything look bigger and I feel too big and awkward. I hate it. I hate talking about dissociation because this is when I feel crazy. Not the self harm or the thoughts of suicide methods. Not the disturbing sexual self harm or the ongoing depression. Dissociation and the frustrating ways my emotions try to escape the perpetual apathy I live in - THESE are my crazy worries.

I do know that I am not "crazy". I'm not a danger to others and I am, 99% of the time, not a danger to myself either (yay). However, when I find myself talking about what my daily experience of trauma is and how my defences have combined/collaborated over the years I do worry others wonder if I am crazy.

In an off humour way I guess I should be grateful to have developed/be in possession of a mind that many people go to temples to find. The absolute control I had over my mind - using imagination to protect in trauma and preventing nightmares to protect post-trauma... it is the sort of thing people get paid money to teach.. "extreme mindfulness".

My guest post at Cycle of Healing

Cycle of Healing: Quit boxing me and everyone else; we're all survivors...

I talk about the different ways people have viewed me and the different ways I have viewed myself because of a decision to report or otherwise.

Podcast: Talking with Feelings

This is an edited form of the original podcast. I was having issues with the mp3 uploader so now I will post everything as a video

Does anyone ever really want complete honesty?

It's an idea that has been played over and over again; to hear each other's thoughts. We are curious as to whether what people are saying to us and about us is what they are really thinking. But, can you say with complete honesty that you would want to know what people really thought?

Image found here

Our opinions change throughout the day and are affected by many things. Something we dislike about a person may not be about that person at all. The way we process events is affected by our pasts. When we get into arguments or we feel upset, we don't clarify that the reason we feel this way is because X happened that day or Y happened many years ago. Often we do not know we have ghost emotions coming up - we are too wrapped up in the present. To many people the idea that we are reacting to a present day thing through the emotions of a past day thing is alien/wrong.

Do we not already live our lives through the veil of social approval? We try, sometimes too hard, to please others and often in place of pleasing ourselves.

Complete honesty or mind reading sounds like it would make our lives easier because it would be black and white. People, by very definition, are not black and white. Having no filter system or social etiquette would leave us at the mercy of other people's contradictions and changing opinions.

Have you ever had a frustrating fight with someone who is annoyed with how you approached something when a few weeks/months before, this approach was exactly what they asked for? Back then you were inconsiderate for not taking the action. This time you are inconsiderate because you didn't take the new and unknown action!

All too often we forget that people live in their own bubbles. We like to think they consider everyone else and that we have a collective way of viewing things, but we don't. Someone thinking you are a bad person, partner, friend or employee does not mean you actually are. Having them tell you that is devastating and it is very difficult to remember that that is their opinion - not a universal fact.

How would we ever learn to grow if we lived under the constant shadow of other people's judgement?